Love: the Facebook way

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The times, they are a-changing, and so is the way we now look at relationships. Defining love or what you’re looking for in a person is never as important as comporting yourself with dignity and decorum, in keeping with the trends of the day. Hence, we are providing you with this handy guide to socially-appropriate behavior when you’re in love.

Falling in love

It’s the era of the public self. If the reality-TV culture has taught us anything, it’s that our choice of breakfast cereal is as noteworthy as Lance Armstrong’s. So why shouldn’t our flirtations get as much screen-time as Lindsay Lohan’s?

The 21st century lovers, when they’ve got a sneaking suspicion they’re falling for someone, will create drama. These net-savvy creatures know how to get a rumor started. They’ll flood each other’s Facebook walls (and their furthest acquaintances’ news feeds) with wall posts, put up cryptic status updates, and generally keep their ‘audience’ completely occupied.

Unrequited love

So the person you like doesn’t like you back. The new breed of disappointed lovers dwells not on this depressing fact, but thinks only about all the potential for sympathy. They sigh and moan, put up sad profile pictures, post links of sad songs, and lap up the concern of friends and family.

For the creative types, who would once have written dazzling screenplays and heartrending novels, status-updates are the new medium of expression. Unexpected eloquence and plenty of cynical quotations are sure signs that the author is nursing a broken heart.

The argumentative type, on the other hand, will take this as their cue to start a pointless debate about how love is merely a conspiracy theory and how guys/girls have impossible standards. It’s a great way to remain distracted, and has the added bonus of making the responsible party feel incredibly guilty!

The new relationship

For the lucky ones, who find that their quest is successful, treading the tricky ground of a fledgling relationship is made easy by the wonderful world of Facebook. If feeling apprehensive, they have a range of cartoon psychics and compatibility-calculators to use. Since the modern lover is the star of the reality-TV show in their head, s/he will definitely keep his/her audience updated on all the intimate details of the love-fever.

The honeymoon period

Once all the compatibility-calculators have voted the relationship a go-ahead, they can now proceed to being deliriously happy, in true showman style. The “How deep is your love today” calculator is a daily affirmation of their happiness, as is the constant barrage of cutesy messages and links that they will inundate each other’s walls, and everyone’s news feeds, with. The more obnoxious will now start talking almost exclusively to each other, and will upload album after album of pictures of the two of them gazing adoringly into each others’ eyes.

Commitment

Rings are passé, as everyone knows. The only way to really let the world know you mean business as a couple is to change your relationship status from ‘Single’ to ‘In a relationship’. It’s a public statement like no other. At this point, it becomes appropriate for contemporary lovers to coordinate their profile pictures (which will now feature two very content-looking individuals in a romantic location).

Fights

No longer does a fight with your significant other mean screaming on the phone, crying in your room and suffering on your own. They know that a fight means only more publicity, and hence, we have the new frontier of squabbling: Facebook—status war. The truly street smart couples will remain committed to providing the masses with entertainment, even through the tough times. Parallel updates allow each party to tell their side of the story, and the audience is free to choose Team Alpha or Team Beta.

These wars can escalate to pitched battles, but they’re extremely convenient, because each party can always take back what they said, and can let the other one know exactly how they feel while still technically giving them the silent treatment. Besides, since everybody wants a happy ending, taking fights out onto a public forum is actually conducive to getting them done with quickly.

Breaking up

The lovers who have just been cruelly dumped find that Facebook is most definitely their friend. The first thing they do is change their relationship status. When the little glowing pink heart on their Information page breaks, they have an excuse to rant and scream and vent publicly. Every break-up has a winner and a loser, and nobody wants to be the loser. Rage is followed quickly by desperate mooning about and posting a number of sad videos. Bumper stickers are useful: they will use them to rally support and send out the message that they are strong and beautiful, and that they have been wronged.

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There are still couples who choose to be subtle, but why be discreet when you could be trashy instead? Always remember: having a ‘personal life’ is no longer polite or desirable.

The limelight beckons: embrace your inner ‘plastic’!

Credit to: epaper.dawn.com & Zohra Nasir
Image Credit to: epaper.dawn.com

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